2:32 AM


The gloves are off, the wisdom teeth are out, what you on about?

I feel it in my bones, I feel it in my bones…

My grandmother died yesterday. There’s something about her death that…well, I feel as if I’m drunk. I wasn’t close to her at all–she lived in the Philippines, I lived here in Dallas–but there’s still a sadness about the house that makes it seem as if we were best friends. But I’m more sad for my mom because I saw the depth of her sadness when she cried, and never in my life have I seen her cry. She didn’t break down or anything, her eyes became red and she couldn’t talk for a bit. We were seated at the kitchen table and she told me that my grandmother seemed to know that she was going to die that night because she was asking my mom’s sister if any of her other kids (my mom, and her two other siblings who lived halfway across the world) were coming to visit and my aunt said no.  Then my mom said, “None of her kids came, she died and we didn’t come.” It was just the two of us–my brother was watching TV, my sister was sleeping, my dad was on a trip. I tried being strong as I struggled to comfort her and then I went up to my room and cried for my mom, for my grandma, harder than I have in awhile.

I feel as if I’m drunk because the next day my head hurt. Not hangover-like, just a head soreness from crying too much in a short amount of time. Then I didn’t feel like doing anything but eating. So I did. Then I felt the extreme need to be productive so I was for about four hours and then I did nothing again.

And that’s how I came to listen to Vampire Weekend at half past two in the morning.

The Ferris Bueller photo (www.nydailynews.com) does not pertain whatsoever to this post; it just seemed like the most appropriate picture on my computer that should embody the very first post in the Cursive Journal.



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